I write and perform in funny videos with CollegeHumor. You can email me at patrick.cassels@gmail.com, follow me on Twitter @patrick_cassels, or visit my web site www.patrickcassels.com.
TONIGHT — Thursday, May 23rd, from 8 pm EST to 8 am EST — CollegeHumor stands with you in ALL-NIGHTER SOLIDARITY!
Only instead of studying or writing papers, we’ll be staying up all night filming videos, drawing penises on each other, filming videos of people with penises drawn on them, drawing penises on the people who filmed the videos of the people with the penises drawn on them, YOU NAME IT!
We’re barely out of the opening credits, and already Maverick (Tom Cruise) is kicking ass and taking names as he plays chicken with an enemy aircraft over the Indian ocean. It’s this ballsy maneuver that gets the Mav’ into Top Gun naval academy.
6. Buzzing the control tower
Just when you think Maverick can’t get any tougher, he and his dope-ass co-pilot Goose follow up a flawless training exercise with a way-too-close pass by the control tower at 800 mph. Against the rules? Yes. But Maverick ain’t some pansy who listens to “rules.”
5. High-speed motorcycle ride
We already know Maverick’s the toughest dude in the sky, but who knew he could dominate the asphalt, too?
4. Protecting the SS Layton
All the training in the world don’t mean jack diddly shit when you’re facing a real enemy. Luckily, Maverick doesn’t puss the fuck out when he has to engage in real combat to protect a Navy ship that’s drifted into hostile waters.
3. Pursuing Viper in the sky
Not content to be the best fighter in Top Gun, Maverick throws all the rules out the window and pursues Viper, the Top Gun instructor himself. Okay, he may not win the dogfight, but it takes rock hard nuts to go after your own teacher. Rock. Hard. Nuts.
2. Maverick ejects from a deadly flatspin
When the going gets tough, some bitches bitch out. Not Maverick, though. When he goes into a freak flatspin during a routine flight, the coolest head in the sky keeps his bird steady long enough to get to safe altitude before ejecting. Sure, he cries like a little pussy when he discovers his co-pilot in the ocean with a broken neck, but I’ll let it slide. This time lol.
1. Showdown with Iceman
Iceman (Val Kilmer) is the only pilot in “Top Gun” who comes close to Maverick’s badass-ness. So when he corners Maverick in the locker room and accuses him of being “dangerous” in the sky, you know someone’s about to get his ass kicked. Watching this scene still makes me sweat, bro.
Here’s me hosting a late-night talk show on a subway for Charlie Todd’s latest Improv Everywhere stunt. I had a fun time interviewing random passengers, and the talented Evan Gregory was my Paul Schaffer and laughed at my jokes, even if they weren’t good (most of them aren’t).
Me? Go on a date with Emma Stone? Let’s be honest: there’s no FREAKING way that would ever happen! “Why?” Uhhhh, let’s see…
1. She’s the STAR of The Amazing Spider-Man! Come on! That’s a totally different job than I have. We’d have practically NOTHING to talk about.
2. Not to mention, she’s a HOLLYWOOD SUPERSTAR. Hollywood? That’s on the other side of the FLIPPING country. I don’t think a long-distance relationship would work.
3. She’s romantically involved with Andrew Garfield, and if I beat him up it’d probably be “a thing.” You guys know what I’m talking about.
4. She’s one of Esquire magazine’s “Sexiest Women Alive.” And who am I? Some chump who JUST ran out of cologne. Did somebody say “bad timing?!”
5. She is objectively, vastly more attractive, wealthy and successful than my friends and it’d totally make things awkward at our wedding.
The latest from Gibson Clyde Daniels (@fantasytitles). “I’m bestselling fantasy author Gibson Clyde Daniels. Here is the complete bibliography of my works.”
Owen Parsons and I love fantasy novels, but not as much as fantasy novel titles.
