January 2012
31 posts
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Seal and Heidi Klum's Divorce Agreement
Seal and Heidi Klum are getting a divorce. I saw Seal in Whole Foods this weekend and this court document fell out of his bluejeans. It divides their assets. Turns out they have the same normal ol’ relationship problems the rest of us do. Here’s who gets what!
Heidi Klum - Diamond-encrusted lingerie
Seal - Deed to glacier where Seal proposed to Ms. Klum
Klum - Wearable angel...
Watchjeffrubinjeffrubin:
Obama singing, pre-autotune
This is my singing voice. It’s also what I sounded like in jr. high.
4 tags
Future Janet Evanovich Paperbacks If Janet...
Nightly Nineteen
Terrible Twenty
Fearsome Forty
Sizzlin’ Seven Hundred Thousand
Trail-blazin’ Trillion
Quaint Quadrillion
Sexy Sexdecillion
Sizzlin’ Centillion
Tricky 10108.852142×1033
Grippin’ Googolplex
Sizzlin’ Skewes Number
Naughty “Numbers Have Become Meaningless”
Sizzlin’ “We Know the Mind of God Now”
WatchHere’s me trying to survive Chris’s “Night of Zero Laughs” and failing miserably.
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A 100% Zoologically Accurate Description of What a...
The horse from War Horse and the ape from Rise of the Apes enter a dirt arena. The gates shut. They look into each other’s ape/horse eyes. Animal nature takes over and they somehow realize exactly why they’ve been brought there, and accept it.
They charge. The ape from Rise of the Apes goes straight for the horse from War Horse’s genitals, but the horse from War Horse makes a...
Who is Alex Watt?: My life is stupid and... →
alexwatt:
My life is stupid and embarrassing, so I think I’m going to start writing about the really lame stuff like it’s part of a cool novel.
“I can just hold it like a football,” he said as he cradled the sandwich in his long, simian arm—knocking a bottled beverage from the delicate hand of the woman…
Cool idea. Looking forward to the next installment!
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EXCLUSIVE Interview With Uggie the Dog
Me: Uggie! You stole the spotlight at this weekend’s Golden Globes ceremony. Are you into the whole glitz of Hollywood, or do you dread award shows like these?
Uggie: Bark.
Me: OUTSTANDING. Dame Judy Dench says she keeps her Golden Globe in her bathroom. Is Uggie also going to keep his in the loo?
Uggie: Bark.
Me: HAHAHA. Your Artist co-star Jean Dujardon walked home with Best Actor in...
2 tags
Things Q From "Star Trek: The Next Generation"...
Picard’s pathetic care for his crew
Data’s absurd desire to feel emotion
Worf’s puny mortal brain
Geordi’s laughable obsession with trinkets
Dr. Crusher’s insignificant quest to preserve human life
Riker’s beard
Watchjeffrubinjeffrubin:
20 Great Songs Ruined by Commercials, researched over the course of several years by myself and Pat
Jeff and I return to our Brain Filler days of over-analyzing pop culture.
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Wit and Wisdom From Joel
My brother knows I’ve been down in the dumps so he bought me one of those page-a-day calendars featuring televangelist Joel Osteen. Printed on each day is a story from his inspiring megachurch sermons. I don’t totally “get” the lesson in all of them, but I guess that doesn’t make them any less true. Here’s today’s bit of wisdom from Joel!
I’m going...
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A Series Of Movies About A Plucky Dog I Plan to...
Crackers Saves the Day
Crackers on the Case
Crackers Sets Sail
Bonjour Crackers
Buckle Up, Crackers
Crackers Clowns Around
Crackers, You’ve Met Your Match
Crackers Goes Ape
Crackers Goes Greek
KISS Adopts Crackers
That’s Not Crackers!
Crackers Pilots a Zepplin
His Holiness Crackers
Crackers on the Grassy Knoll
You’re All Wet, Crackers
Holy Fuck, It’s...
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Tasteful Ways "Downton Abbey" Could Show Breasts...
People think “Downton Abbey” is too classy to do nudity. But if done tastefully the show totally could. Here are some respectful topless scenes I thought up. I spent a long time on these!
William the footman mistakes Lady Sybil’s room for the Earl’s and walks in on Sybil changing for dinner. Her Ladyship, topless, gasps and covers herself. William apologizes profusely...
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"Improv Everywhere Volume Four"
I’m in the “Mute Button” and “Carousel Horse Race” stunts on the new Improv Everywhere DVD, both times screaming like a crazy person. You can order it at the Improv Everywhere website.
Rodeo
I went to the rodeo (technically Professional Bull Riding) at Madison Square Garden with my friends last night. The best part about planning a trip to the rodeo, we learned, is that even the most mundane statements sound like folksy expressions with a deeper meaning — just by having the word “rodeo” in there! Here are my favorites we discovered:
Can’t bring a laptop to a...
Letter to Motel 6
When I’m shooting an episode of “Hardly Working” and have to act like I’m typing I usually do type random, weird letters. I did this one today!
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing to complain about a very unpleasant experience I had while visiting one of your Motel 6’s in Des Moines Iowa this Tuesday last. While I was showering I slipped on a bar of soap and broke my arm....
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Billy Crystal's Oscar Script Leaked!
I guess I go to the same Crunch as Billy Crystal, because I found his script for this year’s Oscar telecast on the locker room floor this morning. I can’t believe it happened, either. Anyway, check it out. It sounds like it’s gonna be a really fun night!
(2 minutes) Opening montage: Billy Crystal comically inserted into actual footage from best picture nominees; audience winces...
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30 Things Data From "Star Trek: The Next...
Winking
Whistling
Handshakes
Jazz
Sarcasm
Birthday cakes
Jogging
Wearing your hat backwards
French kissing
Pizza
Sneaking
Yo-yos
Brunch
Bow ties
Puzzles
Cartwheels
Rap
Guessing
The thumbs up gesture
Urinals
Skipping
Nature
Baseball
Soap operas
Bluejeans
The circus
Waffles
Daydreams
Tank tops
The phrase “See ya wouldn’t wanna be ya”
December 2011
22 posts
"Did you read, uh, that 'Portlandia' piece in the... →
Okay, recommending a New Yorker article is itself something the citizens of “Portlandia” would do, but if you’re a fan of the show (as I am) it’s a great read. Here’s one of the best parts:
Brownstein likes to say that “Portlandia” is an affectionate portrait of the city where she has lived for the past decade. The warmth is not in the writing, which leans toward the...
