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"Well Dave, uh, I just think the Foo Fighters could use a new member." (Pulls out and tunes guitar.)
I can now reveal that I was a guest at George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin’s secret, star-studded wedding. Here’s what you “normals” missed. Jealous?
8pm - Ceremony.
9pm - Five course banquet provided by Smuckers Uncrustables.
10pm - Groomsmen speeches: Jerry Sandusky, Phil Spector, The Beltway Sniper, Matt Damon.
11pm - Bride and Groom cut the cake (lemon-pimento cake with gluten-free icing and human feces).
12am - George Clooney tries playing the spoons on his thigh for the first time ever.
1am - He’ll get it. Just… just stay seated. It’s gonna be great.
2am - Group photos.
3am - Busses leave to return guests to Target parking lot where everyone left their cars.
I’ll shut you down John — I remember this line from “Jurassic Park” better than any dinosaur attack.
Jay Z = Ralph Kramden (Chubby Brooklynite preoccupied with success)
Beyonce = Alice Kramden (Strong-willed wife; good with words)
Kanye West = Norton (Weird best friend)
Kim Kardashian = Trixie (Underdeveloped character)