A 100% Zoologically Accurate Description of What a Fight Between the Horse from “War Horse” and the Ape from “Rise of the Apes” Would be Like
The horse from War Horse and the ape from Rise of the Apes enter a dirt arena. The gates shut. They look into each other’s ape/horse eyes. Animal nature takes over and they somehow realize exactly why they’ve been brought there, and accept it.
They charge. The ape from Rise of the Apes goes straight for the horse from War Horse’s genitals, but the horse from War Horse makes a sharp right turn. The ape from Rise of the Apes tumbles under the horse from War Horse and takes a a few painful blows to its ape torso.
The ape from Rise of the Apes staggers to its feet. The horse from War Horse loops around for another pass. The ape from Rise of the Apes does a backflip 15 feet in the air, grabs onto a tree branch with its feet, and delivers a devastating upside-down punch to the horse from War Horse’s horse head.
The ape from Rise of the Apes fashions a quick bowstaff from a tree branch and jumps down. The horse from War Horse wipes some blood from the corner of its horse mouth with its hoof, looks down at it, then looks up at the ape from Rise of the Apes with… is that amusement?
The horse from War Horse rears back and attacks. The ape from Rise of the Apes uses its bowstaff to deflect the horse from War Horse’s swinging hooves until, with a powerful downward blow that in all honesty can only be described as a “karate chop,” the horse from War Horse snaps the bowstaff in two and uppercuts the ape from Rise of the Apes, knocking it unconscious.
Just then, the pro wrestler Sting runs into the arena and hits the horse from War Horse with an aluminum chair. The horse from War Horse drops to the ground and rolls back and forth, clutching its horse head in pain and going, “neigh!”
The ape from Rise of the Apes gets up and hugs Sting. It pulls a black nWo bandana from its back pocket (its wearing bluejeans) and ties it around its ape forehead. The audience goes nuts, booing and hissing, but the ape from Rise of the Apes just smiles and makes “bring it on” gestures to the spectators. The ape from Rise of the Apes and Sting circle around the horse from War Horse and kick it into submission. A bell rings, but they keep kicking. The announcer can’t believe what he’s seeing.
